October 8, 2015 – It’s infant loss and awareness month as well breast cancer awareness month. I volunteered to speak out about my loss this last April of 2015. This is the first time I’m going completely public with this. Family and close friends know, of course, but I never wanted to talk about it freely because quite frankly, I was embarrassed. How could I, a mother to a 10 month old (at the time), be going through an ectopic pregnancy?
In March of 2015 my husband and I got the biggest and BEST surprise of a lifetime. We found out we were pregnant with our second little munchkin! I saw the faintest of lines and one line that didn’t even really appear there. So I went on a whim and took a digital and it said “YES+”. I was so beyond happy. And so was my husband, Jason. I started joining groups for pregnant fitness and already looking up announcement ideas. A good friend of mine bought the one I wanted and I was going to announce on Scarlett’s birthday.
On March 31 I was on the phone with my Jason asking him to get me some food on his way home from work. Almost immediately after hanging up I started getting an immense amount of pain on my left side that stretched all the way in to my back. I immediately knew something was really wrong. I thought I was having a miscarriage. I took a hot bath and some Tylenol which helped me get just a few hours of sleep until I was up again at 2 a.m running to the bathroom aching in pain. I tried to fight it off. I laid on the couch and got a huge sharp pain on my left side and I knew it was time to wake Jason and tell him to take me to the e.r . I almost passed out on my way to the bedroom. I tried to lay in bed and nothing was working so I woke him up and told him to get Scarlett in the car and come get me last because I couldn’t stand and I was feeling nauseous. I was breaking in to a cold sweat by this point.
As soon as I was admitted the nurse mentioned a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy. So she took my blood and a urine pregnancy test. Then I was admitted in to my room, hooked up to fluids and waiting on an ultrasound. When I finally got to the ultrasound room she performed regular ultrasound first. Then she did transvaginal ultrasound. I was watching the screen the entire time. I have seen enough ultrasounds to know what my uterus should look like at 5weeks. I saw nothing. At the end of the ultrasound the tech asked me “you didn’t take any plan b?” . I knew right then and there that there was no baby in my uterus.
As I was waiting for the nurse to come get me from the ultrasound room I asked the tech “So what did you see?” And her exact words were “Well I am not a doctor…” Looks back at the screen “Ugh, I don’t want to say….. but it doesn’t look like you will be going home today”. I texted Jason immediately “It doesn’t look good”. I tried to act calm, but inside I was screaming.
When I returned to my room I remained pretty quiet. A new nurse came in and said “So they suspect it’s tubal but we don’t know for sure yet”. Minutes later she came back and confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy and she was waiting to hear back if I was going to get surgery or a shot of methotrexate (a shot that stops the baby’s heartbeat. Basically, in my eyes, an abortion). So many emotions were going through me at this point. I am not going to say I was completely devastated at the fact that I will be losing my growing baby today. I was terrified about so many other complications.
I had another nurse who seemed panicked hooking me up to a second IV just in case I started bleeding and needed emergency blood transfusion. Next, I was hooked up to a heart monitor and constantly being asked if I was bleeding. It was really starting to worry me. The EMTS finally got there to transport me over to another hospital where there are OBGYNS who know how to take care of something like this a lot better. I remember getting wheeled in through labor and delivery and having to sit in the waiting room where there was a brand new baby in a bassinet crying. I felt like, for a moment, I was being taunted. From there on it was kind of slow. 36 hours of no food and some pain meds later I was given the news that I would not be getting surgery but will be staying for a few more days to be watched. I was discharged a few days later…..
From there the nightmare did not end. I was getting blood work to watch my HCG levels drop (that is the pregnancy hormone). Which they doubled and I had to get a second shot exactly one week from the first. Then, one week from there I woke up again in severe pain. Once again on my left side. I was back and forth in to the bathroom until I passed out on my bedroom floor. I hollered loud enough to wake up Jason and told him we needed to go back to the hospital. As he packed up the baby once again I contemplated call 911 as I laid in the fetal position on my bedroom floor in a cold sweat crying.
After we arrived at the hospital I was admitted very quickly. Blood was drawn and fluid were administered. The doctor thought I had a kidney stone. I knew deeply in my gut it was no kidney stone. He ordered a CAT of my abdomen. After that I was sent for another, much longer, ultrasound. Everything moved really quickly and a new doctor came in and told me that the ectopic was still in my tube and that although my HCG levels were dropping as they should, I could get surgery to remove the pregnancy completely. I agreed to the surgery. I wanted this over with and I never wanted to have to come back for this reason again. 6 P.M that night I was being prepped for surgery. I spoke shortly with my doctor and I asked him to please try to save my tube.
After that I was awake. Awake after a 2 hour surgery. My first words, eyes barely open and me barely coherent were “Did you save my tube?”. My doctor told me he would discuss it with me more later and that how I knew the answer was no. I started to cry and kept telling them I didn’t want to go home because I didn’t want to be alone. I’m sure all the drugs had a little bit to do with all the sobbing. I guess I can look at this mess as a blessing in disguise. I’m glad I chose the surgery after all. My left fallopian tube was defective. It was pinched like a hose and if and when I were to get pregnant again, and just so happen to ovulate on my left side, I would be facing another ectopic pregnancy. He promised me that I would have no issues In the future when I was ready to have more children and seemed confident he would be seeing me soon. And this time on much better circumstances.
My family and I would be expecting the arrival of our angel baby sometime next month (November 2015). Instead, I will only have a few scars to remind me that I did have a child. He or she was an incredible surprise. And we have more than enough to be thankful for this sweet November! My health, our family and our angel baby.