Take Back Your Body and Love It!
On July 30th, the day we were moving into our dream house, I found out I was expecting our second baby. It had taken us significantly longer to conceive the second time and I was beyond excited. I had tracked my cycle, taken ovulations prediction tests, and purchased many pregnancy tests to be prepared. I slept on an air mattress in our new house that first night thrilled with the thoughts of raising this baby in our new home.
During the following weeks I was careful to watch my caffeine intake, get light exercise and drink lots of water. I was feeling tired but so much better than my first pregnancy. We told our parents that we were expecting and a few close friends. I was so much more relaxed this time around. Until I started spotting two days before my first appointment.
I knew something was wrong. I was convincing myself nothing bad would happen, it was normal. But deep down, I knew. I had to concentrate on my breathing the whole 45 minute drive to the appointment. It seemed to take forever to get through all of the formalities and get to the ultrasound portion of the appointment. The feeling of dread was making it feel as though I had a 50 pound weight on my chest. It was taking too long….I knew it was going to be bad. The doctor couldn’t see the baby and he said it was not measuring correctly. He immediately made an appointment for a higher quality ultrasound that day. The tech kept asking if I was sure of my last period because he could see the baby. He was just measuring 3 weeks behind what I had said. I told him I was sure, but the ultrasound tech gave me a new due date and that gave hope to my husband….but I knew, in my heart, that our baby was no longer with us.
The next day we were celebrating my step-son’s birthday and I started bleeding. I made it through lunch but then I started cramping, and the pain was getting excruciating fast. We hadn’t wanted to tell the kids but we were over an hour from the hospital and had to get there immediately. While we were in the car my husband had to explain to them what was happening.
We got to the hospital and I felt the baby pass while I was using the rest room. I panicked. I was crying uncontrollably and I didn’t want to leave my baby in the toilet. I didn’t know what to do. I had to ask my husband to help me because I just couldn’t do it. I saw a doctor, bled all over the floor of the exam room, got pain meds and was on my way home. It all seemed so clinical.
I felt like someone ripped through my chest and crushed my heart. I was in a blur of sadness, anger, and loneliness for weeks. People tried to support me but nothing helped for more than a few moments. We have some amazing friends that bought us a tree and the book Heaven is for Real. We planted the tree in our front yard and buried my positive pregnancy test with it. We named our son, Trace.
I hated my body. How could it betray me like this? It is supposed to have been designed to carry and deliver a healthy baby. Why couldn’t it do its job? I couldn’t stand to be touched and I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and get away from this body that let me down in the worst way I could imagine.
Finally, I decided that I wasn’t being a good wife, or mother, and I still had a lot of years left to live so I better figure out how to make it bearable. So I told myself, if your body is going to betray you and do things out of your control, then take it back.
I started working out a little bit every day and making healthier food choices. It gave me something else to focus on while my body was still healing and my womb was still empty, month after month. I started to notice that the only times I was truly at peace and not in emotional pain was when I was working out. So I kept pushing. Month after month I kept improving my fitness and changing my body into what I wanted it to be.
Eventually my attitude started to stay positive after my work outs. My relationship with my husband started getting better, I was a better mom and I didn’t hate my body as much. It was getting strong and healthy and I appreciated that. I joined some Beachbody accountability groups on Facebook and I loved the comradery that I was finding with other women who were trying to take control of their bodies. I lost 40 pounds and have never felt better. And these women I was meeting online celebrated my accomplishments with me! They understand how it feels to dislike your body and it made me think….I bet I could help other women love their bodies.
On February 2nd, 2016 I took the plunge and started my journey as a Beachbody coach. My goal is to help other women who are struggling with loss and trying to conceive learn to love their bodies again. I really want women going through these dark times to get back into the light and feel as good as I do now. Today, as I am finishing this, I found out I am not pregnant, again. It makes me sad every day, but then I focus on trying to make myself better emotionally and physically through exercise. I specifically enjoy CIZE and TurboFire, and those work outs help me make it through the day. Usually I enjoy making it through the day, it is no longer a chore. I am enjoying life again. These changes have helped me reconnect with all of the friends that I ignored while I was so lost in that dark place. I can proudly say that I will never be the same but I am better and I can be happy. I make the choice to work on my body so I can be happy, every day.
You can get there. I promise. I will be there to help you.
*Thank you so much to Kati for bravely sharing her story with us. If you would like to connect with Kati, or even join her in her mission to reclaim her body, click on the links below:
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